Hell has frozen over.

"Manning rules! Manning rules!"

I am in Africa. But this is the Super Bowl. The World Champs, remember? Thanks to the thieves that drove us out of our house, Hunter and I were parked in a sick ass resort called Rivertrees the day of THE game. And you didn't think sleep would outrank THE game in importance, did you?

Either way, history was in the making. New England wins, it's history. New York wins ... well that is downright historic. A running diary was a must. A la Bill Simmons. Sorry, Bill.

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2:28 a.m. – Well, I’m up at least. You never know what could happen when you take a "nap" that starts at midnight. Hunter thinks it’s kosher to tell me to “Chill!” for finally ordering that he get up after trying my hand in the asking game.

“I’m just layin’ here, dude, chill!”

Who are you, Wes Petticrew? I'm just trying to help you!

2:31 – “And Super Bowl 42 is under way!”

Here's what I want polled as a break from the overkill on the Road to the White House media bonanza: what percentage of Americans knew the Roman numerals for 40 before the Pittsburgh-Seattle Super Bowl, and what percentage has learned since?

Me, I've learned since.

"I don't even know the Roman numerals for 50," Hunter, who did wake up after all in time for kick off, deadpanned in the quiet of the Rivertrees lounge.

(But deductive reasoning would lead us to say Super Bowl L, right? Or wrong...?)

2:32 - Why is Adelius Thomas wearing designer shades with his jersey in the intro shot? And do you think Belichick just gave his parents hell as a kid when they tried to make him dress up in his Sunday best?

2:34 - Was that Giants fullback I just saw on the screen named ‘Hugecock’???????? What a name!

2:35 - ‘Gay’ is probably the toughest mofo on the field for the Patriots. You'd have to be, growing up with that kind of name. Probably not the same set of psychological issues Hugecock was having to deal with as a kid.

Just saw that Steve Smith from USC plays for the Giants now. I've been out of the loop kabisa for the past two NFL seasons, since I was traveling all last year and have been in Africa since. But I mean, honestly, what is the deal with Steve Smith's? How many professional athletes/sports personalities can have this name? At least 'Jason Williams' can be spelled in a variety of ways: see 'Jayson,' and the shortened form, 'Jay.' Stephen A. Smith is an exception. I motion, though, that we use the name 'Steve Smith' to be a sort of sports-centric 'John Doe.'

Think about it. Instead of "one of the Giants defenders," we'll say "Steve Smith makes the tackle for New York." Instead of, "the ball was last touched by a Laker," we'll say, "Steve Smith deflected the Steve Nash pass." Juuuust, think about it.

But I'm calling the Giants' Steve Smith 'John Doe' from now on.

2:38 – Gay is already coming off the field. Maybe he’s not so tough.

(*Joke! I'm not insinuating homosexuals are any less tough. Mike Piazza, anyone?)

On a completely unrelated note -- well, it's related in that it was a realization also made at 2:38 in the morning in East Africa -- I HATE when announcers start sentences with, “This is a guy that…” It's the sports broadcasting version of saying "like" or "Ya know what I mean?" It's a space filler for those who sucked at vocab quizzes in middle school.

2:40 – HOW GREAT WAS THAT FIRST CLIP OF PEYTON IN THE BOX?? Eight plays into the game, you can be sure that wasn’t the last we’ve seen of him. He was slumped against the wall like the older brother jealous that the younger one can even come close to trying to imitate him. Wow. This could get really entertaining if the game goes south.

2:41 - NYG 3rd-and-7. Wait … did I fall asleep, or has NE still not gotten the ball?

In line with our previous talk about saying, "This is a guy that...", stop saying “football game” instead of just “game.” It doesn't make you sound smarter, Sterling Sharpe.

2:42 – NYG first down inside the 20? NE still no ball? 6:53 left in the first quarter?

Huh?

2:43 – Wow, Eli. You decide to throw to a double-covered Plaxico in the end zone… You lucky motherfu...

2:45 – NYG 3, NE 0.

"You are not going to beat the New England Patriots kicking field goals," says the still anonymous NFL Network announcer we expats get instead of Joe Buck. I agree, but with 5:01 in the first quarter, the Giants 3, Pats nothin', I think we could call that opening drive a success. Maybe we could hire Tom Coughlin to run counter-insurgency operations in the Northwest Tribal Frontier Provinces. A field goal at a time...time of possession...bleed 'em dry... these are all things I feel he wouldn't have a hard time converting into military wisdom.

2:48 – Maroney’s 43-yard return not a good sign for Giants fans leading up to the Pats' first drive.

The Super Bowl just ain't the same without the commercials. Just as we get NFL Network instead of Fox, we also get shit Super Bowl ads in Tanzania. It was the same when I watched the Colts-Bears game in Belgrade last year. Only this time, instead of the standard, budget Serbian spots (I cannot count how many Serbian "Big Brother" commercials I watched in those days), we get these little inspirational nuggets produced by ESPN International. Various ex-athletes imparting their words of wisdom. Marvin Hagler was great: "Work hard, kids."

This blows.

2:54 – How do you stop New England? Honestly. Welker just picks up a first down on the New York 27. Heeeeeere, they come.

2:55 – Kevin Faulk just a shoelace away from breaking one, first down Patriots. "The most unselfish player on the team is Kevin Faulk.” Troy Brown, did you hear that??

2:56 – I love Randy Moss’ smile in his team mugshot. I guess he's got lots of practice posing for those kinds of cameras. He is such a countrified ghetto "Dirty South" homeboy.

2:58 – Pass interference on Watson in the end zone. Just give NE the TD, already. First and and goal inside the five is as sure a thing as a line on Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's.

2:59 – END OF FIRST QUARTER.

3:02 – Lawrence Maroney gives the Pats their rightful place: in the lead. 14:57 left in the second quarter. Let the festivities begin. PATS 7, NYG 3.

3:15 – We're back. Did we miss anything?

(First image on the replay is of John Doe dropping the pass in NE territory that led to a Patriots interception. Bet you wish you could remain anonymous right about now, huh John?)

3:16 - “Every receiver coach in the country will tell you, knock it down if you’re not gonna catch it…” - Sterling Sharpe.

What?? John Doe was TRYING TO CATCH IT, Sterling!

3:17 - “Let me tell you something”; “He is definitely in this football game.” Sterling...

How does NE not score after picking up the ball so close following that Eli pick? They're going to the running game?
3:18 – Mark Spitz is now the inspirational speaker on our bunk ass ESPN Super Bowl commercials. It's even got that music we all remember from those science videos produced in the 80's that we used to watch whenever we had a sub in 9th grade biology. Mark just doesn’t look nearly as badass without the Vietnam era ‘stache.

Wladimir Klitchzklmclazmo...however you spell it, was actually pretty entertaining, though. Here's what this Ukrainian (I think?) boxer had to say to America's youth: “No matter what you do, in the sports, in the life, you have a lot of to do … through the walls … through the difficult's (as music fades in).”

Who needs Super Bowl commercials at a billion dollars a pop when you have priceless inspiration like this?

3:21 – There is no way the chapter in Blink about subconscious racism, i.e. a white man being more scared in a dark alley of a black man than a fellow W.A.S.P., applies to NFL quarterbacks. Have you ever thought about this?

3:28 – With New England still up four, “I’m just glad to see that the Giants are making the Pats work for it,” Hunter says. A sign of just how much of a chance people are giving New York in “this football game.”

3:29 – How many times do we have to watch these SAME old soccer highlights? They're no longer from "this week" as ESPN would have us believe. I know. I've been watching this channel since Week 4.

YES! A "This is Sportscenter" commercial to remind me of home. I haven't ever seen this one. I love Richard Simmons: "Type those stories, type those stories! Check those sources, check those sources!" And then, "Give me energy! ENERGYYYYY! Da da da! Da da da! Yes!”

3:31 – We finally agree with the announcer on something, that New York's body language is fresher than New England's. They seem to be playing with an entirely different sense of urgency. On the Patriots' 42, with a turnover in the books, NY is still only down four with just over five minutes left in the half.

3:33 – Brandon Jacobs first down. Nice, Kevin Gilbride! On the NE 30, first down... ya never know…

3:35 – JOHN DOE PICKS UP THE HUGE FIRST DOWN!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD! I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS! “Is that batting the ball, or was he trying to recover it? (Announcers really confused. Long pause.) What is the call on this play?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

(Replay gives ball back to the Patriots.)

Damn. I am really confused. Batting on Bradshaw? That would have been crazy. Boston just collectively exhaled.

From a would be first down on the NE 20 to Eli being lucky to not get picked by Gay on a dangerous 3rd-and-18 pass. Giants. Come on.

3:40 – Pamela Lee shown in the crowd. After the main commentator remarks on all the craziness surrounding the Super Bowl scene, and talks about the Hollywood aspect of it all, Sterling Sharpe takes this as his cue to say something stupid: "But its even crazier that when these Hollywood stars come to the Super Bowl ‘just to be seen,’ that we show them, doin’ all that… (awkward pause) ... But its nice to see, Hollywood and the NFL, hand in hand. That’s nice to see.”

Huh??

“I don’t think these are the real announcers," Hunter says.

3:42 – 1:47 left in the half, and NE has only gotten 33 total yards. THIRTY THREE TOTAL YARDS FOR THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS.

3:45 – What a huge play by Stallworth. Eighteen yards to the 27 on a 3^rd-and-13. That was a real crisis moment for NE; even though they’re up four it feels like they're down by ten. They’d had two three-and-outs in a row and were looking at a punt from the back of their end zone with around a minute and a half to go till halftime.

How is this happening? The giants have a turnover in crucial territory, NE just gets its first penalty at 0:59, the Pats are playing like SHIT, and yet they’re still winning. The answer? It's the Patriots.
3:49 – “Did you see how big those two dudes are who just smacked Wes Welker?” I ask aloud.

(See my earlier comment at 3:21 a.m.: "There is no way the chapter in Blink about subconscious racism, i.e. a white man being more scared in a dark alley of a black man than a fellow W.A.S.P., applies to NFL quarterbacks. Have you ever thought about this?") Ditto Wes Welker.

3:50 – “And it is CAUGHT BY RANDY MOSS, his first catch of the game!” Randy gets out of bounds for the first down on the NY 45.

3:51 - Umenyiora with the fumble recovery at 10 seconds left!!!!! As The Bob would say, "Holy Moses!" Brady really has been “bewildered." That slow mo shot of Tuck stripping him was like watching the protagonist of a medieval war movie getting killed in a sword fight during the climax.

3:54 – Stat flashed across the screen: The last 12 teams to lead at halftime have gone on to win?!?!?!?!?! That’s every Super Bowl since I was ten! It feels like NY is winning this game, even though the score disagrees.

HALFTIME – I mean, why do they even have the fans down there on the field? You don’t think we can see all that green space?

Also, Alicia, word of advice: the white skin head dressed in all black looks a tad awkward in your ensemble. Alicia Keys, however, is always sexy, even if she currently looks like a cheap Vegas cocktail waitress.

Alicia keys has the definition of a wowowo (street Swahili for "fat ass").

Starts singing "No One." I love this song!!! Yes, Super Bowl!

Did you see the red head in the crowd? Such a genetically awkward bunch.

Not too impressed with her dance coach.
“And all I know, is everything’s gonna be aaaallllllll riiiiiiiiiight!” New England fans, are you listening?

See, this shit I’d much rather see than gross ass Janet Jackson’s weird, sun god nipple ring thing.

“I am in love," Hunter says about Alicia.




"I am in love with that woman.”

Halftime stats:
NYG - 139 yards
NE - 81 yards (fewest in first half all season)

Turnovers: both have one.

Time of possession:

NYG: 19:27
NE: 10:33

Isn’t it funny when sports announcers are asked to hype up things like TV shows on their network, or musicians for halftime?

"Well, ladies and gentleman, the Super Bowl has seen lots of amazing performances over the years: the Rolling Stones, u2, Paul McCartney, and No Doubt. (notice the glaring omission of "Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson.") And now, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. It’s very exciting..”

"Shit, I don’t think it’s that exciting.” – Hunter

"Well I won’t back down, I’m a stand my ground, and I won’t back down..." Tom sings.

“I’d love to be a Patriot in the tunnel right now and listening to this.” - Hunter.

"And I’m freeeeeee, free faaaaallin!"

“I would not wanna be a patriot in the tunnel listening to this.” - me.

"Runnin, down the dream…" I will forever associate this song with baseball tonight from like 2004 era. Not sure which exactly. You know peter gammons had something to do with that.

4:15 – BOOB ALERT! BOOB ALERT! Thanks, camera guy, for such an impartial decision on who to zoom in on.

No. 6 on NFC’s top plays highlights ESPN shows us: “McQuarters INT is McAwesome.” Really?

4:25- Second half.

NY just keeps on Brady. Another NE punt.

4:32 – Tony Romo "This is Sportscenter" commercial. Another good one. We're dying here.

4:34 - What other coach besides Belichick would challenge a 12 men on the field call like that? He just seems so crafty. Something about those hoodies with short sleeves.

Wladimir and Vitali are now on the “In their own words” commercial together. Great stuff from Vitali: “Our mother say, ‘Never never never fight with one nother.’ And it was important words, because we don’t want to break our mother heart.”

4:37 – This ref’s explanation of Bellichick’s successful challenge needed like five semicolons to write. It was more brutal than the response to Billy Madison when he said, “I could have done with a simple ‘no,’ but…”

4:40 – NICE, Kevin Faulk on the long 3^rd down! All yards after catch.

“He wants it more than the giants on that play,” says Sterling.

...Or, he just made a good fake.

4:43 - Strahan’s sack on 3rd-and-7 = NE should go for it on 4th-and-13? Not even close. The Giants are really hyped right now. I cannot believe they are still losing. What is going on?? Ya can’t make a 47 yard field goal, Bill? I bet with Adam Vinitieri you kick in that situation...

4:47 - I’m sorry, but I am still just really confused about how you go for it on 4^th-and-13 when it’s a 47 yard field goal attempt. Ya get SO lucky on that 12 men on the field challenge, and then that?

4:50 – What a deflection by Asante Samuel. THERE’S ANOTHER SWAHILI NAME! Asante means "thank you." How did I never think of that before? Well, all of New England should be THANKING this guy for saving a Burress touchdown catch. That was all Samuel. Asante.

4:51 – “Those are the plays you need to make if you wanna knock off the 18-0 New England Patriots.” True. Burress, you gotta make that grab on third down; it hit you in the chest, I don’t care if Gay had his hand in there or not. 3:04 left in the third quarter, still a four-point New England lead.

4:54 – Burress only has a catch for 14 yards; Moss? Just one for 18. With 3:04 left in the third quarter. Hmm..

“Brady hasn’t looked good all game." RIGHT after I say that, Brady almost gets sacked in the end zone, and is almost picked off inside the ten. NY IS ALL OVER HIM. HOW ARE THERE THREE PATRIOT LINEMEN GOING TO THE PRO BOWL?

4:56 – Wes Welker is setting himself up to be Super Bowl MVP. What a freaking grab on 2nd-and-15 out of their own end zone for the first down.

4:58 – Welker to midfield. He reminds me of the badass high school all purpose back who has a full beard but is 5'7" and bangs the hottest chicks in school.

5 a.m. – “Have you seen Tom Brady look more frustrated before than he is in this game?” – not Sterling Sharpe.

“The Giants defense is dominating the game … but, they trail. That has been the story here." - two in a row from not Sterling Sharpe.

5:02 - Again, Richard Simmons "This is Sportscenter" commercial. "Read those scores, read those scores!" Never gets old.

AFTER THREE QUARTERS, THIS IS THE SECOND LOWEST SCORING SB OF ALL TIME (SB 9 HAD 9 POINTS AFTER 3)

5:07 – Kevin Boss, 45 yards, nice for the tight end. Shockey broke his leg in week 14...

Only the second Peyton sighting. He's looking STRESSED. "I hate that pretty boy Brady," I'm sure he's thinking. "Manning rules!"

WHY IS SHOCKEY UP IN THE BOX DRINKING BEERS AND NOT DOWN ON THE GODDAMN SIDELINE??

5:09 – John Doe picks up the first down on a 17 yard catch to the 12. New York is definitely gonna score a TD. For sure.

5:11 – Touchdown David Tyree!! Only four CATCHES in the regular season. Four CATCHES. With 11:05 left in the game, suddenly it’s New York in the lead, 10-7...

From first to second half: 8/16 to 5/7, both tallies to the tune of 85 yds, one turnover, one TD for Eli.

5:17 – Realization that Jared Lorentzen is the third string QB for New England! He can’t be the back up, after all. What a doughboy. The Oliver Miller of the NFL. Please get hurt Eli, please.

5:19 – Brady is getting pressured every, single, time. There’s less than ten minutes left, and Hansen punts once again. With 9:20 left in the game, this is a dangerous time for the Patriots. A NY touchdown here could be the end.

5:23 – Correction. The Giants fullback is named "Hedgecock," not "Hugecock." Damn.

5:28 - NE Since the Maroney touchdown: punt, punt, fumble, downs, punt, punt.

“The Patriots haven’t had the ball beyond their own 21 in their last five possessions.”

Bad announcers like Sterling also tend to say “the National Football League” instead of just “the NFL.”

Brady looking more nervous than I remember having seen him look in a long time.

5:32 - Welker is such a badass ... 11^th catch ties a Super Bowl record.

“If the patriots win, Wes Welker is going to be getting a lot of votes for MVP,” the announcer says. “Oh, don’t worry, I’ve already written that,” I respond.

Moss short first down catch; he hates getting hit like that, you can tell. Just 3:30 left, clock ticking, first down the New York 18...

FAULK ANOTHER FIRST DOWN INSIDE TEN YARD LINE! Here they come. Finally.

5:34 - First and goal at the NY 7. Brady 7-for-8 on this drive for 65 yards. 3:12 remains. Is this the last chance?

5:36 – MOSS WAS WIDE F'ING OPEN. BRADY JUST MISSED HIM. NO EXCUSE.

Second and goal from the 7. Incomplete to a double covered Welker. Brings up third down with 2:45 remaining in “the football game.” My heart is started to beat a little faster. Serious chance of defeat for New England. If they are forced to kick, NY can win with just a kick of their own.

ALL THREE NEW NE SUPER BOWL TITLES HAVE BEEN BY JUST THREE POINTS??? Eerie. They’re about to lose by 3.

5:39 – GOOSE BUMPS. “Caught by Randy Moss!” Caught by Randy Moss!!!!!! If I wasn’t in a hotel at this hour of the morning, I’d scream.

5:41 – Moss does a fake Soulja Boy in the direction of the NY defense. Yes. But, Hunter and I just saw Bruschi and Seau hugging each other: “YOO! YOO! GO TIME!”

“Those guys are BOYS,” Hunter says. "It's over. New England is gonna win."

2:42 remaining. 14-10 pats. Giants starting from their own 17 with three timeouts remaining.

“Here comes Eli Manning…”

“He still looks like a scared little boy.” – Hunter.

NO WAY THE GIANTS WIN THIS GAME. NO WAY.

5:46 - “This could be a story of resounding history in NFL annals.” – the "good" announcer. Does that even make sense? No, really. I have no idea.

5:47 – 4^th and a little less than a yard. The game...

... is not over. First down Brandon Jacobs. 1:28 remaining. “And it seems apparent that the giants will continue on offense.”

5:51- Samuel, how do you not pick that pass to win the Super Bowl?? Asante, from New York.

5:52 - WHAT! A! CATCH! WHAT! A! CATCH! WHAT! A! CATCH! WHAT A CATCH! OH MY GOD! ELI MANNING! HOW DO YOU NOT GET SACKED! HOW DOES DAVID TYREE CATCH THAT PASS! ON HIS HELMET! HARRISON ON HIS BACK!

WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! I LOVE SPORTS!!!

59 seconds left. NY has one timeout remaining. Adrenaline flowing. My adrenaline. I'm not even a Giants fan! What a PLAY by manning. Oh my God. Oh my God. On the NE 24 now, and rolling. Oh my god. New York still needs a TD. Field goals won't help.

5:53 – This time, Eli gets run down from behind. He's not Houdini, I guess. NY takes its third and final timeout. 51 seconds left. NE defense is tired. You can see it. Seymour's on a knee. But this is the Super Bowl.

Eli looking alive in the huddle. Looking ready to take them there.

5:55 - WHOA! Another dangerous pass on 2nd-and-11. Brings up 3rd-and-11 with 45 seconds to go.

John Doe gets the big first down and gets out of bounds. 39 seconds left. Giants inside NE’s 15….

PLAXICO BURRESS! BURRESS! WIDE OPEN! HOW WAS HE WIDE OPEN! GOOSE BUMPS!

Giants 17, NE 14, 35 seconds remaining!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!

5:58 - New England has 29 seconds and three timeouts. Even a field goal would do it. Adam? Adam? You around?

“Does this bring up any memories?” I ask. Hunter, a Panthers fan, pretends not to get it.

Pats on their own 25.

5:59 - First down: incomplete.

6 a.m. - Rivertrees is starting to open up. I've been up forever. Jesus. Second down: BIG SACK! BIG JAY ALFORD! Rookie from Penn State givin' Brady the ole Big 10 hello. Brady hasn't been sacked this many times all year. It was amazing he didn’t drop the ball on that one. This is it for the Patriots. The Patriots are going to lose the game.

6:01 - 19 seconds remain. Brady’s been sacked five times tonight. Only 21 times all year previous.

WHAT A PLAY BY CORY WEBSTER; Moss was downfield and dangerous. They’re not gonna let Randy do the same thing now that he did in game 16.

“I don’t have a play for fourth and forever in the Super Bowl, Dick.” – Sterling.

6:02 - This is so surreal. Ten seconds left. Of course, the '72 dolphins shit comes on now. You know they’re about to party. Brady and his boys just couldn’t do it. They have no chance at this point. It is over.

6:04 - Even Sterling Sharpe is speechless.

It’s almost like the Giants are sure that Belichick can challenge the 1 second thing and they’re scared to take their helmets off. But they've won. The Giants have beaten the New England Patriots.

Tiki Barber is pissed somewhere.

I cannot believe this. I feel like I must have fallen asleep during the second half at some point. I'm dreaming, right?

When Eli Manning made that play on the scramble, all I could think about was Steve McNair’s scramble on the second to last play of the Super Bowl against the rams. If Kevin Dyson gets into the end zone, that McNair scramble goes down in history as the greatest scramble in Super Bowl history. Instead, they lost, and we forgot. Eli Manning is a legend now. A legend.

Poor Bill Simmons. Actually, wait: the Sox have two World Series titles in four years, the Celts are back, and the Pats are gonna be right back there next season.

Or are they?

Sports. How can ya not love them? This was one of the most historic nights in the history of football. In my lifetime, I can think of no bigger upset that has ever occurred. Maybe '86 Villanova, but I don’t remember that. The New York Giants beat Dallas at home; they beat Green Bay at home; and they beat the New England Patriots in the 19^th game of the year, coming back from a seemingly back breaking Randy Moss touchdown catch in the last drive of the game, pulling off one of the great all time scrambles to pick up a huge 35 yards in the run up to Burress’ Super Bowl winning touchdown catch. This is how legends are made. I feel privileged to have been able to stay up and watch it live from East Africa. What a night. What a game. What a sport.

Ya just never know, do ya?

6:14- But I am kind of surprised that all the Giants championship merchandise wasn’t preshipped to Africa.

I guess it could be worse for Tom. Quite a consolation prize.

Toa nyumbani, Weka nyumbani.
The final chapter in the saga of our time in Patandi.

Martina, the owner of our temporary new home, and her adopted kid Zawadi.

Never a dull moment, my friends. Never, a dull, moment. Nipo Tanzania, umekumbuka?

I guess what I should really be saying is ... thanks? I guess? It's such a messed up thing to be thankful for, this sad and crazy turn of events ... but so is Iraq for the board of Halliburton and KBR. All that matters in this world is the bottom line, after all. And the bottom line is this: I am thankful to these kuma's for trying to punk us, again.

I don't think they can read. Illiteracy is pretty common in Tanzania, what, with no sit down toilets to encourage reading habits, and grouping our thief friends into that category would explain a lot. For example: why they didn't steal a single one of our books when they had the chance just a few weeks back. For example: why they came back to our house for a second time in less than a month, after it was blatantly obvious that we'd gotten a Maasai askari to somewhat guard the place, and despite what we warned them about right around the new year.




Hawatuwezi was a play on words. That's the name of our favorite Nako2Nako song, a street Swahili phrase that basically means, "they can't f*** with us." The pun comes in when you learn the meaning of the word wezi. By itself, it's the plural form of "thief."

Hawatuwezi; Hawatuwezi: "thieves can't f*** with us." Get it? Of course you do; you've got a toilet you can sit on; you're literate.

Hunter and I both thought that when taping that Hawatuwezi sign to our gate, as an open letter of admonishment to all those who'd played a part of ripping our organization off for thousands of dollars, a printer, our stove, our shoes, Hunter's boxers, and the movie "Office Space," to name a few items, would have somewhat of an effect. Like, maybe we'd get a two month reprieve on attempts at a break in. It had a really nice zing to it, after all -- we closed it off with Mungu anapanga yote mwishoni ("God settles everything in the end") -- but illiterates don't really understand zings in the written form. And they therefore didn't put the pieces together: the next words in that Nako2Nako song go like this: itakuwa ngumuuuu, kutushikia chiniiiiii!

"It's gonna be hard to hold us down."

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Can you blame them? Can you? Word gets around in African villages, after all. People hear about stuff.

"Aisee, umesikia kwamba wale masela wakaiba pesa NYINGI sana kutoka nyumbani kwao hawa Wazungu wawili? Shillingi ELFU NNE mwanangu!"

"Elfu nne! Ah!"

"Ni kweli, jamaa."

"Ah!"

Something like that.

It was enough for the average Tanzanian to live off for three, maybe four years, what was initially taken during Christmas. Chump change according to American standards, even the standards of recession, but a king's ransom for hustlas my age living in the banana groves of East Africa. Of course you can't blame them for coming back. It was the prudent thing to do, trying again.

And apparently lots of the masela in Patandi saw it in that exact same light.

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Why do things like this happen every time I leave?

Two nights before I returned from the States at the beginning of January was hit No. 1. The night before I came home from a trip to Dar es Salaam at the end of January was hit No. 2. It must be because they hear Hatari ain't there. My name in the village, Hatari, means "danger," after all. There's no other explanation for such impeccable timing.

Sitting on the bus in the Dar station, about to depart for the ten-hour ride back to Arusha, my phone beeped. I thought maybe it was Becky saying goodbye, safari njema, see you when I see you. Instead, I saw the name "Hunter TZ." I clicked "read message:"

Wezi walikuja tena jana usiku. Tuko poa lakini f***in a that was bold. ("Thieves came again last night. We're cool but ... no translation needed for the last part.")

Bold is an understatement.

They knew there was a guard -- and if they didn't, they are worse at reconnaissance than the CIA agents who scoped out the scene in the lead up to the Bay of Pigs. They knew one of us was there -- symbolized by the presence of our black Subaru Forrester parked inside the gate. They knew we've got some serious locks on our doors -- the last wezi had to go to town on the front door with a crowbar, something that only works when the house is empty. And yet they still try to break in.

Julius, our Maasai askari, heard the guy land in our back yard; he had scaled the back wall and used our water tank's helicopter sized landing pad as a lily pad to make the six foot drop into our lot. Doing exactly what we hired him to do, Julius took off after the guy, darting through the little alley connecting our front and back courtyards -- the same alley used as an entry point by the first group of thieves. Shaken out of the stupor that sitting for long periods of time inevitably brings on, our askari sprinted through the pitch black opening as fast as he could. He banged his knee on an exposed water pipe; the intruder heard it; and a chase was in the making.

This is the part of the story that gets hazy. I speak pretty good Swahili at this point, but Julius' frantic recount of events, spat out at a semi-automatic clip without any regard to my mere seven months of experience with the language, left me wanting for more. I needed details that I could actually understand. The story I've pieced together, then, comes from a combination of reports I got from Julius in Swahili, Hunter in English, and Baba Juma in both.

Julius ran three quarters of the way around our house, pursuing the suspect around the other side and out the unlocked door on our gate. What he found waiting for him there was a pack of accomplices lurking in the dark, ready for the signal from the lily pad hopper to make their move. I've heard a range of conflicting numbers: five, ten, 15 dudes. Nobody is sure. What they know is that all of them were holding flashlights, ready to be shined in the eyes of anyone who might recognize their faces. Hunter, who uses ear plugs to fall asleep in the absence of the hypnotic hum of a fan, slept through most of this part of the fiasco. When he did wake up, as he'll tell you, he just stayed in his room, pretending to be asleep so he wouldn't have to risk being martyred for an obscure NGO in East Africa. I don't know what I would have done in the situation: I'm simultaneously a hot head and a scaredy cat. But I'm glad I wasn't there to find out -- ending up dead or exposed as a kuma; neither option sounds very good to me.

During all the commotion, Julius had called out for Baba Juma to come help. He's our next door neighbor; a real village kiongozi. Everyone knows and respects Baba Juma. It's almost his duty to deal with situations such as these.

Together, he and Julius took off down the dark dirt road in pursuit of the group. Why the pack of wezi would run when they outnumbered the Maasai and their 60-year-old neighbor by so much is beyond me. What Hunter says is that someone started yelling in Swahili, "Shoot him! Shoot him!" when Julius ran out there. An explosion went off. Some say it was a gun; some say it was just a firework meant to sound like a gun. No one got hurt. And everyone got away.

Except for one poor man, who found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

In the heat of the moment like that, mistakes are made. Tempers flare; reason is overcome by instinct. Anyone who has read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell will remember that the lead up to the Rodney King beating was a high speed chase that got the blood pumping in the veins of all those LAPD officers. Tension like that doesn't dissolve; it erupts. And that's what happened when the pursuit party ran into a lone drunk who was stumbling home at 2 in the morning, zig-zagging across the dirt path next to Baba Juma's and our homes. Wrong place at the wrong time. With the wrong people on the prowl for some criminals.

Let's just say he's lucky to be alive. Usually, if a mwizi gets caught in the act of stealing, he gets dealt with in the Tanzanian way: beaten, neck ringed with a tire full of gasoline, and then lit on fire. It's already happened once in my village since we've been here. Eyes for an eye; teeth for a tooth. Let God sort 'em out. Mungu anapanga yote mwishoni.

"All of the sudden, I heard what sounded like 30 people outside our gate, screaming about something," Hunter described later. "And I would hear this constant cycle of a man crying, and then getting beat. Crying, and getting beat. I could hear Baba Juma and Marium (Baba Juma's daughter, Biti's older sister) out there, so I figured it had something to do with them. I was like, 'No way I'm goin' out there. I'm not tryin' to get in the middle of some beef that draws 30 people out of their beds and out to our gate at 2 a.m.' No way."

But it turns out that it wasn't "some beef." It was our own.

Remember Abdulli? The older brother of the little punk Ally, Baba Juma's 11-year-old, the one who ripped us off to the grand tune of $500 worth of money and other stuff waaaay back in the day? Abdulli was the one who sold the iPod Ally took from me, then lied about it, then beat Ally and his friend Musa for snitching. He beat them in front of my very eyes, smacking them as hard as he could, with both hands, right on the ears, over and over again. Abdulli is not a good guy. But he sure thinks it's his job to administer our justice.

"And guess who was the one beating the dude?" Hunter asked rhetorically.

"Abdulli."

"Ehhhh-xactly."

And it wasn't 30 people crowding around to watch at 2 in the morning. It was 50. One of whom is damn lucky to still be breathing.

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I sure did have a great time on my little trip to the coast. Not in the city so much as at Mikadi Beach, where I spent two nights sleeping in a banda just 15 feet away from high tide.

Room with a view.

Just a short dala dala-ferry-dala dala commute from downtown Dar, Mikadi Beach is where it's at. Every day of the week, if I had to pick, clearly I'd go with life in small town feeling Arusha over life in the four million strong humidor, (or, "the oven," as Becky calls it), a place you feel the essence of in the form of wet clothes pressed against damp skin. The so called capital city of Tanzania (Trivial Pursuit fact: it's not actually the capital) has got more traffic, more crime, more hustling, more cement, more heat, more everything that's bad (except for white tourists) ... but what Dar's got that Arusha can't touch is access to the beach. A quick getaway that makes you forget all about the harshness of life in a concrete jungle such as Dar es Salaam, Arabic for "Abode of Peace," is priceless. It took me ten hours to get there on a bus. It took ten hours to get back. But it was worth every moment.




I owe a debt of gratitude to Beka for inviting me. She's a loke dog in that part of Tanzania. I thought I was a badass back when I studied abroad in exotic Geneva, Switzerland during my junior year of college. Becky, a five-foot tall white chick from Minnesota, studied abroad in Dar. I learned a few words of French in between air-conditioned bus rides from the United Nations building to one of the beautiful green spots situated next to Lake Geneva. She became nearly fluent in Kiswahili in between getting mugged in the backs of dala dala's and carrying buckets of water up seven flights of stairs during week-long shortages from the tap. When Becky, who came back to Tanzania for a month to see old friends and volunteer at an Arusha area orphanage, vouches for a spot being cool in Dar es Salaam, I don't argue. I just go to check it out for myself.

There is nothing like the beach. I'm a beach guy. Mountains -- those are great. Rivers -- ditto. Freshwater lakes -- love 'em. But the beach is just so soothing. And I can't get enough of playing with the wet sand. Who doesn't love throwing clumps of that stuff in the air and watching it change shape as gravity works its magic? And sleeping beside it -- waking up in the middle of the night, slightly dazed and confused, wondering for a moment, Where am I?, and then hearing the answer of the waves: at the beach, you idiot -- well that's all I really need in life. For now, though, two nights will have to suffice.

But if break ins are going to become an automatic reaction to Hatari being hayupo, I'm not sure I can risk many more trips out to the coast.

I knew I should have read into Becky's kanga more deeply.

Pretty much all Tanzanian women dress in kanga and vitenge, locally produced (except for the increasingly available cheap Chinese made alternative) textiles that are fashioned into skirts, shirts, dresses and head wraps, turning the dusty streets of my hood into an organic easel of every color you can imagine. If you can understand the Swahili messages printed on every kanga, it means you are fluent kabisa. The most obscure synonyms for "blessing," "faith," "God" and the like adorns each and every one. Wabongo, after all, are a deeply devout people, whether that be Muslim or Christian. I've been losing my religion like Michael Stype for a few years now, but Becky, who converted to Catholicism as a way of rebelling against her parents as a kid -- (I know, I know. Converting TO Catholicism making someone a rebel, not seen since Jesus pulled a fast one on the Pharisees) -- makes a good fit for most kanga.




This particular one is less about any one specific religion than it is about universal human nature.

MANENO MANENO YAVUNJA MOYO

"Too much talking breaks the heart."

In other words, the opposite of the "sticks and stones" logic we are all taught as kids in America. I got a weird feeling when I was translating it with Becky, but I had no idea of what was about to go down back at my house in Patandi. Maneno maneno...

It wasn't talking that broke our hearts, it turns out. No one ever said a kanga was as infallible as the pope sitting ex cathedra and speaking on matters of faith and morality. Even textile producers can be wrong from time to time, I suppose.

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I didn't want to leave Dar. It was too much fun. I had too amazing of a time. I was on cloud nine when I got on that bus to go home, feeling the same sense of refreshment that I felt when I got on that plane in Houston not even a month before. How much had changed in our lives in Patandi since then. And how much more was to change in just one moment.

beep beep! beep beep!

The text message from Hunter.

Here is the craziest part: the words in that text message did not phase me at all. It was like going to a surprise party and seeing the cars of all your friends parked down the street. That is the point I have reached in my life in Tanzania. Every messed up thing that happens to us is like a ruined surprise party. Hunter, too. Neither of us were shocked in the least bit that our house is becoming a free-for-all for any pack of shit heads able to get their hands on some flashlights. We had already been given the word to search for another house, an order from the very top borne out of concern for our safety after the first burglary. And we had been looking. But it's not like there's a Martha Turner sign out in people's front yards in Tanzania. There ain't no Colliers International signs on roadside billboards: 713-222-2111. It's hard to find a house that will suit our needs. But that search has just been moved up to "priority number one," in the words of our boss.

You fool me once, we get a Maasai askari. You fool me twice ... we move out immediately. You fool me three times ... well there won't be anything left to steal, but have at it.

Which brings me back to why I'm saying "thanks."

Asante sana, wezi. You thieves are directly responsible for putting me where I sit right now, as I put the finishing touches on this opus with a fresh cup of (good) coffee simmering on the table. Birds are chirping, crickets are wheezing out their last attempts at song before the sun rises too high in the early morning sky, and the flowers smell as fresh as anything I've smelled in a long time. Our boss has temporarily put us up at a practical oasis called Rivertrees, by far my favorite of all the Wazungu tourist resorts that pepper the landscape of the Nairobi-Moshi Rd., a two lane asphault highway that leads to the base of Mount Kilimanjaro, a street paved with the money of foreign guests. Since Thursday night, Hunter and I have been chilling at Rivertrees.

Asante, wezi!

... with wireless Internet, no less!

Where am I again? Oh, that's right. Africa. This is exactly how I pictured it would be...

And it's all because of the wezi.

We have basically moved out of Patandi at this point. We're never going back. Our boss has said she doesn't want us to sleep there ever again. I'm sure my dad will be relieved. Today is our last morning at the oasis, sadly, but I was very thankful to be able to watch the Super Bowl on live TV last night/this morning in the lobby.

It's a pretty messed up thing to be thankful for, though, isn't it? To trade in all vestiges of faith I had in my neighbors for a chance to see the greatest Super Bowl of my short life. Faith in neighbors, David Tyree. Faith in neighbors, Ice Cold Eli...

Eh, it's an even draw. It's not like I didn't already know the truth: we are white boys; we will never be totally accepted in a village setting like that; but even so, HAWATUWEZI.

That's probably what Swahili namesake Amani Toomer is saying to fellow Swahili namesake Asante Samuel right now. "Peace" is telling "Thankyou" that the Pats can't f*** with the G-Men. And as it turned out to be hard for New England to try and hold down New York (err, New Jersey) down...

Itakuwa ngumuuuu (SANA) kutushikia chiniiiiii!

Nice Hat, Bitch.

Anyone who gets my humor would get this girl's humor. Just a brilliant excerpt from Hanly Banks' blog:

Nice Hat, Bitch.

Today I was walking down Bowery, just minding my own business, when a "street" kinda guy passed me and said very kindly "Hey nice hat, bitch." To which I replied "Thank you." To which he yelled back "Well you're welcome, and have a nice day."

And that is why I live in New York City.

Cho chote...

This is either Esther or Glory, one of the wadogo sana little kids we just put into school at Usa River this month. Please don’t give me any grief for not knowing her name. I’ll explain in a second.

What I want to point out first is how young this girl is. Young enough to suck her thumb for ten straight minutes and not respond to a word this strange Mzungu was saying to her, that I know for sure. But as for her age? Most Wabongo kids I ask don’t even know their own birthdays, let alone birth years.

“Sita!”

“What’d he say?”

“He said he was six.”

“That kid is six?? How 'bout two?”

“Una miaka mingapi tena?” I ask again, giving Joe Little Kid Tanzanian another chance.

“Saba!”

“Saba?”

“Apparently he just turned seven. He has no idea.”

I’ve had interchanges like that more times than ten.

I guess it’s like this in most extremely poor countries recovering from two decades of debilitating socialist economic policies, but every Mbongo mdogo is a potential Danny Almonte.

"I'm 12."

Until you see a legit birth certificate with your own eyes, you can never be 100 percent sure. But as for the little girl sucking her thumb? Esther … or Glory …. ? I’m not at home right now so I don’t have her application in front of me, but I think that both are about four.

Four-year-olds Esther and Glory are going to boarding school.

No wonder she was sucking her thumb! I remember 10-year-old Mzungu kids being homesick to the point of tears at summer camp, and that was only three weeks long. If I was a four-year-old about to be dropped off at Usa, away from everything that had provided me with all formative experiences up to that point, together with four other kids from my orphanage, but still feeling pretty alone, I’d be nervous/scared/sad/bewildered/paranoid, and every other synonym for “freaked out” that exists in the English language, too.

In all the focus on numbers, tests, transport, applications, school supplies, tuition payments and diplomacy, I forgot a basic fact of life: four-year-olds are really young. In fact, they’re pretty much babies. And I hold difference between the East African scale of social maturity and our own to blame.

Simply put: people grow up fast here. And not even in the, “I’m European, I can drink in parks and smoke joints when I’m 15, I hate George Bush, I’m so mature, and they even show nipples on basic television channels,” sense. I mean almost as soon as they can hold a bucket, they’re shaking hands with the harsh reality of poverty, wearing hole-riddled garments that used to be my own clothes, brand new when I was their age.

Baraka, for example.

He’s the third in a line of four brothers who Mwindaji and I have creatively coined “The Brothers.”

Baraka is chilling in this photo; he’s done his job. But his little bro Yohanas, No. 4 in The Brothers, is not chilling. See him down there in the bottom left corner of the shot? He’s having a hard time carrying up the hill his bundle of kuni, necessary for the daily cooking that, in villages such as mine, almost invariably takes place over an open flame in an outdoor jikoni. Baraka crushed his task, probably because he’s six now, a real man. Yohanas is finding the crazy steep climb difficult to accomplish, though. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he’s got to do it while simultaneously balancing a huge bundle of firewood on his head. Or perhaps it’s because I’m forgetting that he’s just five.

Either way, it's funny for me to watch. Besides, it’s out of my hands to judge. I’ve heard there’s an extra verse in the Swahili translations of both the Bible and Koran that says, “Thou shall honor thy father and mother by gathering a tone of firewood every single day.” That is what kids do here when they’re not playing … or filling buckets with water, fetching the fresh evening milk from the dukani owner’s own personal cow, sweeping, mopping, peeling vegetables, caring for their baby brothers and sisters, feeding the chickens, or even chopping the firewood that they’ve just gathered.

Other than that, though, Tanzanian kids – (the ones who are getting enough to eat, at least) -- have amazing lives.

They CHILL.

Picture a world where you're ten years old again. In this world, it doesn't even matter what kind of grades you get at school, since regardless of whether or not you have an F average or a 4.0, you're advancing to the next grade (at a public school, because the government has no money thanks to rampant corruption; at a private school, I have no idea why. *Usa River is an exception, which was one of the most attractive things about the place. A 55 average is mandatory to pass. Still a pretty sweet life for a ten-year-old kid). Hell, if you don't want to go to school, you just don't. Tons of your peers in this world openly choose chilling in lieu of literacy.

Picture a world where you can roam the paths of your village like you're a kid patrolling the streets of your suburb in Baby Boomer America, coming home only when chores are to be done.

Picture a world where you don't have to shower but once or twice a week.

A world where, thanks to a lopsided demographic situation, you've got 50 percent of the population at your disposal for choosing playmates.

Pretty sweet world, huh? Pretty much the only thing you have to do is go to church on Sunday, or to the mosque on religious holidays. I had to do that myself my entire Hell-fearing Catholic childhood, and I lived.

We really don’t even need roosters as alarm clocks in Patandi, thanks to Baba Juma’s day care center next door. Meru Peak Day Care Center is my alarm clock.

Instead of a ring, a ding, or even a guitar-playing rooster yelling, “Heeeeey, yeeeaaaahhhhh, everybody wake up, it’s time to dance with meeeee!!” ,

Remember this guy??

... I get woken up by the screams, laughs and flash flood-sudden cries of Patandi’s pre-K’ers as they swing on tires and fly down a slide that is dangerously steep.

Graduation Day, Meru Peak, December 2007

But kids can be kids and still remain useful. Everything aside for alcoholic old men has a use of some kind here, young human beings being no exception. In that respect, there's no difference between a child and some empty paint tins (flower pots), or a heap of plastic bags (roll them together, fasten with a few rubber bands, and you've got yourself a soccer ball for the week), or some worn out tires (the sole provider of footwear for the local Maasai population). Children get the words "collecting firewood and whatever else adults feel like making them do" inside of their parentheses.

Getting back to the lives of our new students.

There are 34 of them in our scholarship program for the start of the 2008 school year. That puts the total figure of kids whose names I need to know, (as one of the people responsible for the welfare), at well above 60. All the original gangstas, all but two still enrolled at FK, I’ve had down pat for months now. But I also see them every day. I won’t have the luxury of such repetition with this new crop, since I don’t teach at Usa. Oy.

Well at least I will remember one name: Dickluck. What a name!

Tanzanians are all about using English nouns of virtue for their childrens’ names (see: Prosper, Goodluck, “Jifty” [Gift], Happiness, Glory, Angel), but I’d never heard Dickluck until I met the one and only. The first time I saw it written on our list, I just pumped my fist and nodded.

“Yes.”

I admit it: I can't even remember which one he is! Luckily, I snapped a photo of his box.

And it got better – turns out there was a Dickson of the same last name. Dickluck and Dickson are brothers. I don’t even want to know what a potential sister might be named.

In my defense with the ignorance of the names: I’m sorry, but it’s true that when almost every single kid – girl, boy, young, old – has the exact same hair color and hairstyle, it is hard to tell them apart from one another at first. I know, I know, that's "racist."

"Oh, what, they all look the same or something?"

Vialethi


Ombeni

Dickson Mdogo

Not sure. A girl.

I mean.... kind of?

Not after you get to know them, obviously. It has nothing to do with race, either -- I can't tell you how long it took me to tell Ashley Judd apart from Charlize Theron (sp?). And does anyone disagree that Tiki Barber looks like Shaun Alexander?

Shame on you for thinking two men of the same race can have similar appearances!

I think this new school is gonna be good. Perhaps I was a little biased from Day One, when I saw a pristine, almost shiny buffered concrete basketball court, with clear white lines painted and two solid backboards standing in between the boys’ and girls’ dormitories. But it's not just that -- the food is better, the organization is better, and it’s more expensive.

And it’s got a basketball court.

Oh my God, no joke, right as I was writing that I remembered the jersey I brought back with me from the States to wear at Soweto, because what a pun what a pun!

I bought it at Value Village years ago, and it’s faded and cracked, a real throwback, none of that Mitchell & Ness business. Navy blue Shawn Kemp, No. 7, one of the forgettable Dream Teams. No idea which one, but definitely not from this new generation of international losers we have representing the Stars and Stripes.

This the best photo I could come up with, but you know which letters are running across the chest?

USA! .... River!

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Just a few photos for the short of attention.

One jogoo, many chickens. Very nice.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My neighbor Marium, Biti's older sister, chose this poster for her room.



If you look closely, you can see her photo taped in between Mzungu bombshell and the balding white man that looks like the "Before" picture on a Propecia ad (or, Hunter Flint).

The day of reckoning is near, Mwindaji.

I really don't know what to say about that poster.

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We've had rats, cockroaches, "January bugs" (the southern hemisphere equivalent of June bugs), mosquitoes and even asps.

Now we have Preying Mantises.

Karibu tena!

Welcome back... kind of.

My two weeks back home must have been a dream.

Just five minutes into my return to Tanzania, it was like they never even happened. Every single day there was so refreshing. It was like leaving my internal computer battery plugged in overnight ... and then taking the time to recharge my spare battery, too. After a family Christmas, some quality time spent with great friends and a "Roberto" New Year, I felt completely and utterly renewed. Like spring in January. That's how I felt.

And then ...

I got in the car.

Hunter had some bad news.

"Someone broke into our house while we were gone." Me in America, he in Zanzibar.

"What'd they take?"

Our stereo, our stove, our toaster oven, both of our hiking boots meant for Kili, all of Hunter's boxers, tons of our own personal cash, all our bootleg DVD's, my sheets (??), our business cards (???), the printer, a video camera, a Polaroid camera, and a TON of cash earmarked for the library we're building at school. But the illiterate thieves left all the books, had no interest in our Seinfeld or Curb DVD's, and even left an iPod which they had no way of knowing was broken. I guess that was our Christmas gift -- the stupidity of the thieves.

The first time this happened, it wasn't a break in. It was an 11-year-old punk neighbor who was stealing from under our noses, little by little, for about six weeks. He was caught; he was whipped with a rubber tire hose by his father; he was humiliated; he was chillin' by that afternoon. He never once apologized. The whole fiasco, coming less than two months into our time here, made a huge dent in my spirit -- it was my first exposure to the fact that trust is not a commodity for a white man in black Africa, and it laid some serious doubt in my mind about the universal character of human beings. I'll probably never be the same person as a result. I thought that was the lowest it could get.

Then, I got in the car.

I thought Ally had taken a lot from us. But his work seems like child's play in comparison to the Grinches who stole our entire house during Christmas. The little 11-year-old stole about 1/10 the amount of goods that these latest hustlas took. And what do ya know? Not a single neighbor heard a peep, despite the fact that our door was broken with a crow bar, and despite the fact that the thieves stole so much heavy stuff that two, maybe three trips were necessary to get all the booty out.

Didn't hear a thing. Yeah right.

What can we do in this situation? God knows we can't turn to the police -- I had to bribe an officer with $10 to get back the $160 that Ally stole from me initially. I can't afford bribes like that all the time. Nor can we rely on help from our friends in Patandi -- no matter how good we become at Swahili, no matter how hard we try to integrate ourselves into the community, we'll always be Wazungu at the end of the day. New kids. Not loke dogs. Why would they pick us over their real neighbors?

They wouldn't, and they aren't. We're alone in this. All we can do is go for the reverse of "Sticks and Stones" logic.




With Biti's help, we drafted this letter to the community, and taped it to our gate for three days.

Allow me to translate:

HAWATUWEZI

*(a popular hip hop song by Arusha group Nako2Nako is called "Hawatuwezi." Everyone in this part of Tanzania knows that song. It means, "they can't touch us," or "they can't f*** with us," basically. Completely unrelated is the word "wezi," which means "thieves." Get it? HawatuWEZI? Thieves can't touch us! Even in Swahili I'm making puns!)


Kabla hatujaanza, wacha tuseme Heri ya Mwaka Mpya! Tuwashukuru kwa kutembelea kwetu kipindi ambacho hatukuwepo. Ilikuwa vizuri kwenu kukagua kwetu kama hivyo. Asante sana.

Before we begin, allow us to say Happy New Year! We are very grateful to y'all for visiting our house while we weren't there. It was really nice of you to check up on us like that. Thankyou very much. *(Sarcasm is always funny!)


Vitu mlivyoiba sio vyetu. SISI tuko poa tu. Hamjatuumiza KABAISA kwa sababu mliiba kutoka shirika letu, sio sisi. Lakini, kufanya hivyo inamanisha kuiba kutoka kwa watoto yatima wa nchi yenu, ambao tumekuja kuwasaidia: watoto wa PATANDI na vijiji vingine pia.

The things which you stole aren't ours. WE are just fine. Y'all haven't hurt us AT ALL because you've stolen from our organization, not us. But to do that is to steal from the orphans of your country, whom we've come to help. Kids from PATANDI and other villages, too. *(I'm Catholic. Guilt always worked for me!)


Haitakula kwetu. Itakula KWENU. Mungu anapanga yote mwishoni.

It isn't going to eat at us. It'll eat at Y'ALL. God settles everything in the end. *(1: this is a shout out to other Nako2Nako lyrics, which will give us street cred. 2: In a country as religious as this one, but where there is zero faith in civic institutions, leaving judgment up to God is the TZ equivalent of saying, "I'll see your ass in court.")


Akupendaye,

Hatari na Mwidaji

Love,
Danger and Hunter


NB: Kofia ambayo mmeacha imetupendeza sana.

P.S. The hat y'all left looks good on us. *(I mean, what kind of RETARDS leave their Made In China, fake New York Yankees beanie when they're breaking into a house?)


NB: Asante kuacha gita pia. Wampumbavu NYIE WEZI.

P.S. Thanks for leaving the guitar, too. You stupid thieves.

Wouldn't you be scared, too? Hunter is wearing the hat, by the way...

Hunter and I are living in a Mzungu spaceship, and while we can communicate with the people we've plopped down in the middle of, we'll always be Martians from outer space in the eyes of the majority.

Which is why we've been informed that we now have to move out of Patandi. The word is out as to what the Martians have got inside their place, and we'll never be safe again living there.

This admission -- that we can't undo in six months a paradigm of Mzungu = money that has been in the making for centuries -- sucks, for lack of a better word.

It is an admission of reality. And reality bites.

Every morning, I have to force myself to adopt a positive attitude. There are a lot of mornings where I don't want to get out of bed and keep battling. But I do it anyway, because it's my job, and because I hate quitters. The craziest thing is that despite it all -- despite having to get into yelling matches over the price of a Coke, or the fair rate for a two-minute cab ride, or banging my head into a wall in the face of the rampant corruption among cops or immigration officers or whoever -- I'm not utterly miserable in Africa. I'm not. I actually kind of like it. So how would I feel if good things kept happening to us all the time? Scary to picture it. I'd probably love Africa, not just "kind of like it."

If you want to know the secret, though, the secret of how I'm able to force a positive attitude upon myself, I'll tell you.

These kids:

At least these kids love us.