Sheep: Norwegian for "lawnmower."

Who needs to throw down a few hundred bucks at Home Depot when you can just buy some sheep to do the job for you? They really do keep the place looking sharp -- the yard is the Augusta National of Bergen island homes. If I was running the place, I would definitely want sheep as well....but not for aesthetic purposes so much as another reason.

From the second I layed eyes on the herd of 40, maybe 50, I felt an uncontrollable urge start to brew in my gut. Similar to that feeling you get when you just have to move your legs on a crowded airplane. It was an urge to just .... ahhh, I just wanted to RUN AROUND those things and scare the living bejeezus out of them. I LOVE doing stuff like that to stupid animals -- and sheep are pretty stupid. I don't know why it's so irresistable! It's probably Top Five Funniest Things in the World to me. To see how scared they get, and then to hear their impassioned pleas of "Baaaaahhhh! Baaaaaaahhhhhh!" like it's going to save them ... how can you NOT laugh at that? Even the board of PETA, or Les Alexander's wife even, would crack a smile. I know those baaaaahhhh's make me start giggling uncontrollably, and I bet they do the same to you.

But the problem with acting like a five-year-old child is that I'm actually 22. Running around trying to scare a field full of sheep while giggling like a school girl is not very tactful, especially if you're trying to make a good impression. But by the second-to-last day, the urge had crossed the Tipping Point.

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I was out by the fence, walking back from the boat house, when I saw what was milling around in front of me: A mass of sheep, mowing away.

"It's now or never," I said, looking around to scope the scene, trying to look casual.

All clear. Time to make my move.

I'll translate for you what the sheep were saying as I began to stalk them as stealthily as possible.

"Yo, guys, that dude is coming dangerously close to us."
"Ah, shut up, Bubba. You always cry wolf like that. He's probably just gonna go swimming or something."

"Naw, man. I'm serious. He's got a really weird look in his eyes."

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"Guys, he's getting closer."
"I think Bubba may be right, you guys. I'm starting to get a little sketched."

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"HOLY SHIT! RUN, FORREST! RUN FOR IT!"
"OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, BUBBA! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! BAAAAAAHHHH! BAAAHHHHH! BAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"YOU IDIOT, FORREST! DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY! DON'T YELL 'BAAAHHH' WHEN YOU'RE IN DANGER! YELL 'FIRE' IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO SAVE US! FIRE! FIRE!"

Hahahahahaha. I could play this game until the sheep come home.