Bill Simmons never ceases to amaze me with his BRILLIANT insights. How have I not thought of this conundrum before? From his running diary of Game 1:

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6:24: Jacque Vaughn gives Parker a rest.

(Un americain et un français. Qui est qui?)

Shouldn't they just switch names? How can the Spurs have a French guy on the team and a guy named Jacque? By the way, eight points, three boards and three blocks for Duncan already. John Hollinger just reported that he's on pace to average a 43-16-16 for the series.
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From now on, I'm calling No. 9 Jacque Parker and his backup Tony Vaughn.

And may I also add, who names their kid Jacque and then drops the 's'? The answer: Someone who doesn't realize that they're dropping an 's'.

Something else The Sports Guy, Simmons, failed to bring up (though he did reference the never-ending Longoria-Parker engagement reminders that Disney subsidiaries have thrown our way throughout these NBA Playoffs): How many girlfriends of basketball fans across the country -- remembering references to "the French player who's engaged to Eva Longoria" -- have exclaimed to the TV when Vaughn's oh-so-deceptive-in-origin name flashes across the screen, "Oh, that's the French player who's engaged to Eva Longoria!"

A hundred? A thousand? More?

Not a good way to impress your man, ladies.

Very nice, how much?

Also from the running diary of Game 1:

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8:15: Seven layups, 24 points, seven assists for Parker. Meanwhile, LeBron just nailed two straight 3s. I think my Bayless joke woke him up telepathically.
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Can you believe my favorite writer actually threw me a shout out in one of his columns?! On espn.com?!

Neither can I. Here was the "Bayless joke," printed right above:

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8:13: Cavs down by 16, seven minutes to play ... and LeBron has only eight points. You might see a giddy Skip Bayless show up for Friday's taping of "First Take" dressed like Machine from "8 MM."
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Skip Bayless is a bitch. A big time one. So irritating is his face (look below)


and voice, and opinions, too. My mission in life is to one day be the first thing that comes up when you Google "Bayless," surpassing Bayless School District, a car dealer named Bayless who only sells Fiats, more auto parts mixed in with a salad prepared by a world famous Gourmet Mexican food chef, and then, coming in at a measly 9th place, Skip Bayless himself.

I better get off my ass and start doing something that will help me climb that e-ladder then, huh?