John McCain looks like one of the humans whose body had been inhabited by aliens in "Men in Black." Parts I and II. Any sort of walking or swiveling simply makes him give off an FDR in his 4th term vibe.

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Hey did you hear? John McCain was a P.O.W. in Vietnam.

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"When you've lived in a box, the world becomes clear. No time for petty, no time for wrong. Only time for right." - Fred Thompson.

How does being a P.O.W. make you right about everything?

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I mean honestly, John, how many months do the doctors give you? I hope you people out there who tell me that "Barack Obama is a Muslim" -- without being able to cite any written works besides an email whose subject begins with "FW:" -- are ready for a woman who has been the governor of Alaska for almost two whole years to take that oath of office within the next four.

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"My country saved me... and I will fight for her so long as I draw breath, so help me God."

If I'm John McCain's speech writer, I'm not bringing his eventual death to the attention of the audience.
Did the people running this convention go back and time the length of applause and awkward "Thank you's" in Obama's acceptance speech, and then mandate that John top that?

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"U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" - the crowd, for no apparent reason, in the middle of McCain's intro.

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Cindy looks like she has just taken two Vicodin's an hour before, all the time.

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"U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" - the crowd, for no apparent reason, right after his intro.

(We're all Americans, guys. You don't have to "live in a box" to be American.)

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"In truth, [Cindy] is more my inspiration than I am hers." - John McCain.

Who was your inspiration when you "lived in a box"?

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"And she doesn't want me to say this but she's 96 years young."

Translation: "I'm not that old. Look at her!"

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Why do the signs people are holding up say "Peace" on them? What exactly does this have to do with Straight Talk McCain?

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"We're Americans! ... We never hide from history; we MAKE history!"

This, ladies and gentleman reading from overseas, says it all about us.

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What is this McCain-centric country song?

"We're all just raisin' McCain!"

There must be some play on words I'm just not getting.