Whoa is me. (Is that how you type that? It's kind of like when you say, "I'll be it" in a story. Is that really "albeit"? I am lost on this.) Houston sports are in abysmal shape -- see Houston Astros; see Houston Texans. And our economy, formerly called "the free market system," is hurting like John McCain at a yoga convention. So I go to read the paper online, to see what's happening in the world. And what do I read?

I read that our "national debt ceiling" is about to reach $11.3 trillion.

ELEVEN POINT THREE TRILLION?!

Dollars?!?!

Dollars. Not TZ Shillings.

Oy.

I know what you're thinking: We need tax cuts! I love Sarah Palin because her kids played hockey!

Oy.

“This is a big package, because it was a big problem,” President Bush said about his proposed $700 billion bailout plan for Wall Street. Thanks for explaining it so thoroughly, George. At this point, you know he's counting down the days on his calendar until someone else can take control of the huge, embarrassing failure called the presidency like an eighth grader counts down the final days of junior high.

When I read about the debt ceiling, though, I almost choked. I know nothing about finance; I travel around, speak Swahili and cut trees for a living. Raja knows about finance; he works for UBS. He was in the room when I almost choked.

"What I really want to know," the muscular Arab said, "is what comes after 'trillion'? What word comes after 'trillion'?"

"I don't know, a bagillion?" I asked.

"Please let it be a bagillion."

"I know, man. And it's like, if 'bagillion' is not already a real word, can we please make it so? Can we please define the word that comes after a trillion to be 'a bagillion'?"

At least I can laugh about stuff when it gets pretty bleak. This has gotten me into lots of trouble in the past with girlfriends and bosses. But if I couldn't laugh, I'd probably have to escape to a tree house on a beach in Brazil somewhere to keep my sanity. I laughed when the Texans got stopped on fourth down inside the ten twice today. And I laughed when the Astros, who had won 14 of 15 before Hurricane Bud Selig knocked down their house of cards, lost six of of seven as they limp into the finish line of a third consecutive year without a postseason appearance. And I laughed when I read that we owe $1 bagillion to the world.

I laugh not because it's funny, but because it's sad. You're right. All we need is tax cuts and a ban on stem cell research, and everything should be good. And lower gas prices. That's all.

It's good to be back!