merry xmas!! ho ho ho (y'all)!

The Christmas mass text

How many text messages were waiting for you when you went to check your phone after you opened presents this morning? I only had a few, but I'm sure the average female had like six, seven, eight of them waiting to be read.

And how many of them sounded something like the following?

merry xmas!! ho ho ho! xoxo

or

happy holidays!! xoxo

or

merry christmas!

Et cetera. You understand where I'm going with this.

The Christmas mass text, not to be confused with the irreverent act of texting due to boredom during the homily, is as impersonal, efficient and most importantly, obvious as the age old "re-gift." But it is a new social phenomenon, no older than five years, brought to you by the same generation that delivered President Elect Barack Obama to the world. And like the re-gift, the Christmas mass text fulfills a holiday-inspired social obligation, to let someone somewhat close to you know that yes, you are thinking about them on this special day.

If only there were some way to definitively prove that I'm not really as special as all these Christmas mass texters are trying to make me feel.


(As I finished that sentence -- no joke, as I was typing the final letters to that sentence -- I felt my phone vibrate: a text message. Please, God, be a Christmas mass text. PLEASE. If God were a writer, He would make it so.

I opened up my phone: 1 new message, from Mary. I click "Read."

merry christmas turtle


Mary has called me "Turtle" since high school. When I stick out my head and do the "turtle face," I really do look like one.

DAMNIT. It's genuine.)


Mary is smart. She knows that by adding in the word "turtle," she's giving it that personal touch. Like saying, "I've got the receipt if you want to exchange it," she is including proof that this is no mass text. And as a result, my friend is letting me know that I may be pretty special after all.

Merry Christmas to you, Mary.

and a happy new year (y'all)!

(The New Year's mass text, since everyone is drunk, sentimental and trigger happy, is about five times as rampant as anything you're ever going to see on December 25.)