"Fetal Vodka" Guy

Some people just talk too much. They talk too much, both in volume and in content matter. My cousin's neighbor is one of those people.


The scene: my cousin's fire pit on his two-acre property in Austin.
The characters: me, my two cousins, their dad, and the neighbor who doesn't understand the concept of allowing others to speak during a conversation.


The neighbor: "So anyways, I've got this place down in Dripping Springs (a small town just outside of Austin), with a little shack on the property. I bought it a couple of years ago, because I like to go hunting and stuff down there. And one year my buddy and his wife got pregnant, so I decided to throw 'em a baby shower, ya know? But this was a baby shower that was really just an excuse for me and the guys to get together and play a little poker. So I told everyone to bring two six packs and a thing of diapers, right? Anyway, I go out there the afternoon of the shower to clean up the place -- which really meant I was clearing out a space for a walkway and the poker table -- and the phone rings. So I answer it, and while I'm talking to the guy, I see this deer walking across my property. So I tell the guy to hold on for a second, and I put the phone down, grab my gun, walk outside, shoot the deer, then pick the phone back up and continue the conversation.

"So I take the deer and tie it up so I can get ready to skin it, when my friend rolls up in his car. He's got a bunch of kids, but all of them are girls, which is why we call him the Y-less Wonder.

(I couldn't remember the difference between X and Y chromosomes, but I got the joke nonetheless, and had to give the man credit for that one, annoying as he was.)

"Anyway, the Y-less Wonder had never shot a deer before, and he asked me to show him how to properly dress one. So we string it up, and I get out the knife. And I remembered, 'It's January, she must be pregnant.' So I slice open her stomach to look inside, and I pull out a baby buck fetus..

(This is when I started looking around to the others to see if they were also a little creeped out. I got no confirmation of this. I can't tell if it was because they found it funny, or because they were pretending to find it funny.)

"It's a baby shower, remember? And what's better than a baby deer at a baby shower! So I tell the Y-less Wonder to go grab a plastic container and fill it with water, so we can preserve the fetus. But after a few minutes in the water, all this shit was floating around, and it didn't look too hot, so I dumped out the water and had my friend go grab a bottle of vodka. So we pour the vodka into the container and let the fetal buck sit in there...

(I am the only one not even pretending to find this funny at this point. I love to eat meat, but I find it sad when watching mammals die. There's just something about mammals. They have fur, and expressive eyes, and I don't know, I think it's sad, when mammals die. I don't find it gross. What I find gross is cutting mammal wombs open, taking out their feti -- what's the plural word for "fetus," by the way? -- and then preserving them in a plastic container full of alcohol. I find that to be ... disturbing.)

"So later on that night, all the guys are there and we're playing poker. And ...." (this is the part that I really don't remember: the circumstances that led to him challenging the Y-less Wonder to drink the vodka that has been poured into the container holding the bloody, dead buck fetus) ... "I told him, 'Take a shot of that vodka!'"

Me: "Wait ... you mean the vodka with the fetus in it?"

The neighbor: "Yeah." (He's expecting me to laugh at that point, but instead, I just stare at him, with the look of a person who's just heard that someone is taking sips of vodka that has been contaminated with the juices of a dead deer fetus. After sensing that his story is not being received as well as he was expecting by some members of the audience, he tries to assure us that it was a "You had to be there" type moment.) "It was fiiiine! Pretty soon everyone was drinking it.

"The fetal vodka! It was hilarious. We were all giving the Y-less Wonder shit about having all girls, saying that the fetal vodka -- remember, it was a buck -- was gonna help him conceive a boy finally. And a little while later, his wife got pregnant again."

Me: "Is it a boy?"

The neighbor: "What?"

Me: "The Y-less Wonder's kid. Is it a boy?"

The neighbor: "Oh, well it was only five weeks ago. We'll see!"

Me: "I want to hear what ends up happening with that."