I love players like Gary Sheffield.

He's the Al Sharpton of baseball, with way less cool hair.

"Hey, did you know that I was black? Did you? Because I am. I'm black. If anything bad ever happens to me during a baseball game I'm gonna call Reverend Jackson and complain. These megadollars aren't any sign that you want me on your team. I'm black, by the way."

Gary's talent for the game is unquestioned; his talent for playing the race card to garner sympathy is less than absolute.

Forget the millions of dollars in contracts that he has locked up over the past two decades in the game. Gary just wants the following things, if we judge from his public statements:

• "respect" (whatever that means. most overused word in professional sports. WHAT DOES THIS WORD EVEN MEAN?)
• to be "talked to like a man" (a.k.a. to be talked to like a little baby whose mother just wants to put to sleep for a while. I LOVE this one because Gary says it ALL THE FREAKING TIME. What is being talked to like a man, Gary? To your face? Is that really it? Or is it that someone has to say what you want to hear, in conjunction with it being spoken to your face?)
• for everyone to "keep it real" (my personal favorite due to its vagueness)

Sheffield has theory why fewer blacks play MLB

I saw that link tonight on ESPN.com and I could already read what it said in my mind, before I clicked:

(my reactions in red)

"I called it years ago..."

Please say "talk to me like a man," you know you want to, Gary. Please say it.

"...What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. … [It's about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do -- being able to control them," he told the magazine.

"There ain't no English going to be coming out...." hmm, the irony is that many people wouldn't technically classify that which you have just spoken as "English."

"Where I'm from, you can't control us..."

WHOAAAA! Watch out! Gary Sheffield is on the prowl!

"...You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is."

A.k.a...... keeping it real? Score.

"...And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man."

SO GOOD! I am so good.

"These are the things my race demands."

Is that official, or is that just the World According to Gary?

"...So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

In what, basketball? Great theory, Gary. It isn't that black kids have stopped playing baseball (I asked a group of eight Third Ward ghetto youths a few weeks back if any knew who Barry Bonds was -- zero hands went up. Eight hands went up for Tracy McGrady). No, it's that teams think they can control Latin players better.

While I'm on Gary's case, can we please get a Webster's definition of the word "cousin?"



cous·in /Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhz-uhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. Also called first cousin, full cousin, cousin-german. the son or daughter of an uncle or aunt.
2. one related by descent in a diverging line from a known common ancestor, as from one's grandparent or from one's father's or mother's sister or brother.
3. a kinsman or kinswoman; relative.
4. a person or thing related to another by similar natures, languages, geographical proximity, etc.: Our Canadian cousins are a friendly people.
5. Slang. a gullible, innocent person who is easily duped or taken advantage of.
6. a term of address used by a sovereign in speaking, writing, or referring to another sovereign or a high-ranking noble.

I use the ole "our parents are siblings" definition. Gary uses No. 4, which, modified for his specific situation, could be described as "anyone who is black, good at baseball, and grew up kinda close."

And voila, Gary Sheffield is "cousins" with both Dwight Gooden and Reggie Jackson.

Wait, did Reggie even grow up near him? Nevermind, I'm changing Gary's definition of the word to simply "black and good at baseball."

"He my cousin...."

Whatever Gary. We just can't understand you because we are white.