So ... my eBay career started off with a bang, but has recently developed a whimper.

I was on fire: every bar hat I posted, BOOM! Sold. Mostly UVa castaway hats, plus a Duke Lacrosse hat, and it was easy money. I made $50 last week without even breaking a sweat.

Then, I get home from Omaha, log onto my gmail account, and see more emails than I can count, all from eBay, all taking a little swipe at my nuts with the same giant, bolded words: "eBay Item Not Sold: insert concrete failure here."

Unsold?! But, but, but ... this is eBay! How could something not be purchased?

Apparently, it happens when people aren't even searching for what I'm giving out.

eBay Item Not Sold: Mack Brown Autographed Football
eBay Item Not Sold: Original Game Boy Game Cartridges
eBay Item Not Sold: Wyoming State Flag
eBay Item Not Sold: University of Texas Rose Bowl Pennant

I could go on. There were more.

I mean, even my Michael Vick poster ended without finding a new owner!

How could someone not want this!!

Maybe Caroline was right after all. Maybe I am selling "crap."

At least someone bought my stuffed Gumby doll.

Shhh... does anyone else hear that sound? What? What was that?

Oh, that's right -- it's the noise of cash money jingling in my pocket! I am now $4 richer thanks to Item No. 320125770665.

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But I'm feeling a little bad, I won't lie. It's this habit of mine that I just can't kick: it's called "offending people." Usually, it happens when I open my mouth, which is unfortunately connected to my brain without the benefit of a filter. But even in the realm of eBay, where I have ample time to ponder my choice of words, I can't seem to stay out of trouble.

Here is how I described this piece of junk I found in my closet, which is a tribute to the obligatory "Mr. Way Too Proud Of Texas Guy" phase (see that link to have a BIG laugh) that most teenage Texan kids go through at least once in their lives:
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This is NOT the traditional, stereotypical CONFEDERATE FLAG.

The "Stars and Bars" is what everyone mistakenly believes to have been the official flag of Jefferson Davis' Confederate States of America.

That is WRONG, my friends!

The Stars and Bars was merely the BATTLE FLAG. This, in contrast, was the flag flying about the capitol building in Richmond.

BID HERE to get your OFFICIAL Confederacy state flag!!! Show that you know a little more about your own history than the guy driving in the next lane over with his redneck stickers emblazoned on the back window of his truck!

God Bless the CSA.
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Okay, so I admit that I never did any research on it, and that I was simply repeating what I had always heard to be the truth. I really didn't care what the truth was -- to me, a Confederate Flag is a Confederate Flag. They both stand for slavery, they both stand for rednecks, they both stand for bad teeth, they both stand for amateur tattoos, and most importantly, they both stand for failure.

I'm the opposite of the "Pride, Not Prejudice" sympathizer. Hell, even back in the days when I thought it was cool to pretend to be racist, pretend to be a cowboy by wearing boots, and pretend to be tough by staring people down as I drove away while listening to Pat Green (a.k.a. , back during my "Mr. Way Too Proud Of Texas Guy" phase), I hated Confederacy nostalgia.

So please, don't waste your time trying to show me the light. My feelings on these flags have already been documented. When I was in Germany last June, I almost picked a fight with a random Texan who decided he was going to wear a Confederate Flag cape as a way to support the United States soccer team. That's right, he wore the flag of a country that seceded from -- and fought a war against -- the country he had flown to Germany to watch play soccer. Logic like that is the reason presidents get reelected these days. And like always, when I've put a few German beers in my system, I find it hard not to point out the glaring problems in logic like that. I was just lucky he was a "What! What!" kind of dude, rather than a right jab/left hook kind of dude, because he was way bigger than me.

So you've seen my sarcastic product description, designed to lure some stupid teenager currently mired in his own "Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy" phase to drop $8 on the flag that I don't even know why I have. What I'll show you now are the two comments I received -- which outnumbered the number of bids I received by two -- expressing their discontent with my version of history.

From 2007markgraf:

"you are mistaken....the flag that you are showing in the photo is the official Confederate States of America flag.......which IS known as the stars and bars... the battle flag is actually known as the St. Andrew Cross...just thought that you should know...next time do a little more research before posting what isnt correct"

And from simple_jesse:

"With all due respect, this IS the Stars and Bars. The flag that you're referring to is the Battle Flag, or the Naval Jack."

Ouch. I guess I should have done my research -- these people aren't joking around.

Here were my respective replies.

First: "well i will certainly forward your comment to my 7th grade history teacher who is responsible for this mistake. i just hope that my ebay advertisement isn't being cited in any graduate level dissertations."

Second: "so....what you're saying is, you don't wanna buy it?"

I'm way more upset about the fact that I couldn't con any of those teenagers out there with Ducks Unlimited stickers on their trucks into buying this thing than I am about my (extreme) ignorance regarding Confederate history. It actually is embarrassing that I, a history major from a Confederate state, went 23 years without knowing the truth about the Stars and Bars -- but I'm trying to get some money together to be able to spend in Africa, and my attempt to make fun of the very audience whose money I sought backfired.

Less money to spend in Africa because I insulted the nation that fought for the right to enslave Africans. Oh, the irony.

Let's just hope I don't offend people interested in orange Polo shirts, Mini MagLites and Cleveland Indians fitted caps...

I can't afford to make any more eBay e-Nemies.