I saw Matisyahu perform two nights ago. It was a good show, not great, and I paid for my decision to attend, in the form of my zombie state the next day at work (I got less than five hours sleep, and I have to stand up all day, resulting in one cranky Tuesday Billy). Plus, the next night was further penance; I crashed at nine.

Matisyahu, for those unfamiliar, is a reggae singer who happens to be a Hasidic Jew.




There was a whole lot of Judaism going on in that scene Monday night, which is officially the worst night ever for concerts. One kid in front of me was throwing up gang signs all night. Yes, you heard it right. Gang signs. From a Jew. And just guess what he was chunking up there.

A Star of David. A Star of David with his fingers.

If only I'd been a little closer. I could have asked him what he was doing, in a legitimate, "I'm just curious" tone of voice. Then, he'd have to explain it. And I'd just stare at him, blankly. Then, he'd have to make a decision: 1) act hard, which would have been a continuation policy, essentially, or 2) realize how ridiculous he looked, and stop putting up gang signs of that nature. Instead, I just got to point it out to my friends and laugh.

I then proceeded to practice trying to do it myself, but it was way too complicated. Go ahead, try. Bet you it takes too long to figure it out.

"It's like a Rubick's Cube," I said just before giving up.

Also, there was a Jewish rapper there, whose name I forget. He wasn't bad. But he's a rich, white Jewish kid from Boston, and when I heard him talking after the show, he had an accent that sounds like a Death Row Records employee. He pronounced the words "five dollars" like this: "feye dolluhs." That's just not believable. Gangster Judaism, is not believable.

Ironically, my favorite anecdote from the night happened with a guy named Christian, of all names. Christian is the drunk guy that pushes through a crowd, leaving a trail of angry people in his wake, then, when he sees that he has annoyed someone (me) with where he decides to stop (right in front of me, and I mean right in front of me), tries to talk it out and "make sure we're cool."

Here was our conversation, which took place at one of the most serene moments of the entire show, when Matisyahu was basically praying in song form on stage, and I was in a very peaceful place -- that is, until Christian arrives on the scene.

Christian: "Am I blocking you man?"

Me: "I mean, yeah. You are."

Christian: "Sorry man. I'm Christian!" (extends his hand for me to shake)

Me: (I reluctantly shake, then turn my attention back to the stage, hoping Christian will leave me alone)

Christian: "What's your name man?"

Me: (pause) "Billy." I didn't feel like the "What?"/"Bayless"/"What?"/"Bayless"/"Wow, that's a cool name, where does it come from?" game with this guy. I just wanted to watch the show.

Christian: "Billy? Nice to meet you man! Hey, are we cool man? I don't want to block you!"

Me: "It's fine dude."

Christian: "Are you sure?"

Me: "Yes."

Christian: "I just want to make sure we're cool man! I don't want to block your way!"

Me: "It's fine."

Christian: "You sure we're cool man?"

Me: "Just f***ing watch the show man!" This is the part where I thought Christian might turn on me and make sure we were not cool.

Christian: (a little taken back) "Oh, all right. I just wanted to make sure we were cool man."

It's like, Christian. Take a note from all the Jews and just focus on throwing up gang signs and saying "feye dolluhs" and we'll be cool. It's annoying enough that you're shoving your round peg body into the square hole that is the crowd, but if you're gonna bowl me over trying to get closer to the stage, at least show me the common courtesy of not trying to shake my hand and make sure we're cool afterwards.

I know that seems counterintuitive, but it's a concert. Unless you're a good looking girl, I'm not interested in chit chat during the show.