Best Buy, why do you lie?

Show your lying face!

What does this photo of a Best Buy employee named April have to do with this photo of a 12th century rock hewn church in the Ethiopian town of Lalibela?

Bet Giorgis, as seen through my father's eyes (sans Lasik), or my camera's

The answer: both are blurry.

The reason: because the camera used to take them fell out of my bike basket in Bagamoyo last April, and the $79 warranty I purchased to protect myself against such a scenario isn't exactly what it's cracked up to be.

First, we go back in time, to the days when I had a perfectly functional camera and no warranty, before I had ever even thought to insure an investment like that. I had just gotten back from the Balkans, for a two month stay at home before heading off to East Africa for a year. A bunch of friends and I were up in the hill country, chilling at our place in Hunt. We went swimming one afternoon, taking turns plunging into the green water of the Guadalupe River. I did a few swings off the triangle next door. Swam around a bit. Then Caroline asked, "What's the bulge in your pocket?" -- don't get any ideas -- and I realized, before even looking down, "Something I wish wasn't in there."

The sun didn't dry it out -- nor, as it turns out, did it dry out my iPod or my iPod speakers, both of which had gotten rained on the night before, when my friends and big sister left them outside after I'd already gone to sleep. It was a pretty bad day for me electronically. It was a really bad day for me electronically. Probably the worst electronic day of my career.

iPods, though, aren't really as essential for me when I'm traveling as a camera. I needed a camera for Africa. So I ponied up some major dollars (this is where all of my eBay proceeds went) for a new one. But I also needed to protect my new investment, in the wake of the river debacle.

They sold me on it pretty hard.

"Blah blah blah you should get the four year warranty blah blah for seventy nine dollars blah blah. If it breaks, for any reason, and you bring the camera in, you will get a free camera." - The Lying Liar Salesman, Best Buy, June 2007

For any reason? I'll get a new camera, if it breaks, for any reason? I'm going to Africa, man. A lot of messed up stuff could happen to that camera there. Genocide, famine, AIDS, rope swings. Any reason?

Yes, he swore, the lying liar. Anything. New camera.

What about if I'm on a safari, and an elephant tramples it?

Yes, brand new camera.

And then I get caught in the crossfires of a renewed civil war in the Congo, and it gets destroyed by an artillery barrage?

Yes, just bring it in, and we'll give you a brand new one.

And then the wildebeest migration begins, and I just happen to have gotten a flat on the Serengeti, and they trample over it like it's Mufasa?

Too bad Simba was too cheap to throw down the $79 for the warranty

Anything, the salesman assures you, as he thinks "QUOTA!" and inwardly sings, in a creepy, deep British accent, "Beeee preeee-PAAAAAAARRRRED!"

Scar = guy in a blue collared shirt who didn't graduate from college

Warranty + damaged camera = new camera. All you have to do is bring it in, and it's simple as that, the salesman swears.

Wait for it.

Waaaaait for it.

Okay now:

"NOOOOOOOOT!"

It is NOT as simple as that.

This isn't even an issue of reading or not reading the fine print. It's an issue of there not being any fine print. They're just liars. They tell you one thing; they do another; and they bank on the fact that no one is going to sue them over it because it's just not worth the time or money.

They're crafty bastards, those blue shirts at Best Buy.

Rather than coming in and getting a new camera when yours breaks, they force you to sit in line at the Geek Squad waiting deck, while two Geeks roam around behind the counter doing nothing to help anyone, one Geek actually works with the lucky customer who has persevered long enough to make it to the counter, and a neverending chain of new customers come up trying to cut you in line, testing your mettle and ability to tell them to get in the back of the line.

I've gotten really good at telling people to get back in line, now that I've sent my camera in for "repairs" three times now.

See, this is how they get you.

Turns out the warranty means that you get a new camera ... but only after you've sent in the old four times to get fixed. This takes a minimum of three months. This camera ain't coming back. I know it; Best Buy knows it; the guy at wherever they're mailing my baby to knows it, too. But around and around we continue to go. I know what they're doing; they're testing me. Do I have the wherewithal to continue to come to the store, stand in line at the Geek Squad desk (for those of you who don't know, the Best Buy IT support desk really is called the "Geek Squad"), fill out the necessary forms and then wait?

My answer: I'm going to get that free camera. I know not the meaning of "opportunity cost." I'm on mail in no. 3 at the moment. In a few weeks, my camera will return, still not fixed, at which point I will return, to Best Buy, also still not fixed, and return it for a fourth and final time. Allegedly, this is when I will be led to my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: a new camera; an admission of defeat for Best Buy. And a great moral victory for myself.