Ethan?

My friend at work had a baby today. I think. The last I heard, it was ten hours into labor and his wife was still in labor. He's from Serbia; she's Mexican. Their impatient baby girl, who popped out a little less than three weeks early, still didn't have a name when the agua broke.

What to do about naming the "Hispanoslav" baby?
"Hispanoslav Papic: I think that's a fine name itself," was my favorite suggestion on the extensive email thread that was passed around this morning at work.

I suggested we call it something incorporating the name of Tito, the late, great dictator of Yugoslavia, with the Hispanic suffix of endearment or description of small things, -ito.

And this other girl I work with just sent out the link to this: the Social Security Administration Popular Baby name site!

I didn't take the time to look through it until I got home from work tonight. The first thing I thought when I looked at the front page was, "Ethan?"

How is Ethan no. 3? You're telling me that in 2007, in America, after Jacob and Michael (ironically both the names used for Tom's little brother), that Ethan was the next most widely given name? Ethan. I don't think I've ever met an Ethan. Name one Ethan you know. In fact, I think I can only name two: Ethan Hawke and Ethan Allen. Even if you're really smart and could list like ten Ethan's there is no way that was the third most common male name given to babies born in 2007.

The second thing I thought was, "Ava?"

Ava. Now I really don't know any Ava's. Is that a black name? Is it Hispanic? What is the deal with Ava? No. 4 for girls? This is crazier than Ethan!

I typed in "Bayless" to see where my name would rank. Surely, with Ethan as the third most common name for boys in 2007, and Ava as the fourth most given for girls, Bayless would crack the top 1,000.

Bayless is not in the top 1000 names for any year of birth in the last 9 years.
Please enter another name.

Okay then.

Then I remembered an article I read back in 2004, the first year Carmelo and Lebron came in the League, about how both of those guys' names went from complete obscurity to semi-common among black people and huge basketball fans. Something like a 2,000% jump, a number so high it reminds me of inflation in Zimbabwe (so high it's like, what's the point of knowing exactly?)

So I checked.

Lebron?

Nothing.

Carmelo?

2007	860
2006	872
2005	902
2004	912

And Lebron was a no show??


These are the ranks, by the way. It's not the number of Carmelo's. I don't know if the number of the rank is greater than, equal to or less than the number of Carmelo's, but I know there are more Carmelo's than there are Bayless'.

Except for in the NBA, that is!

I had a great joke prepared for this caption about my favorite player Jerryd Bayless, but sensed that it could get me into some trouble, as it was not politically correct. I called Tony to ask if it was kosher, and he said, "If you feel like you're toeing the line, don't cross it. It's funny, I agree, but don't put that."

Picture being me and getting to watch a YouTube clip of a guy named Jerryd Bayless dunking in some guy's face. The announcer is going crazy and he's screaming your name. "High pick and roll, Bayless, baseline, OHHHH! HE JAMS WITH TWO HANDS, AND HE'S FOULED! You've gotta be kidding me! Bayless has 19! ... Oh, get excited, tell 'em where you're from!"

I'm from H-Town, baby. Dat's where I from. But that's not where Jerryd is from. He's from Arizona, and we have nothing in common.

Except for the fact that neither Bayless nor Jerryd cracked the top 1,000 names given to newborns in America from 1999 to 2007.

Okay, so what about Dwyane? (No, I'm not dyslexic. He spells it with the 'y' before the 'a'.)

Forget All Star voting. Let's let the Social Security Administration decide who's the real fan favorite.

Zero. Shouldn't have spelled it wrong, Mrs. Wade. Your son could have won the SSA name popularity contest had you done a little spell check. Check out where the Dwayne's are sitting:

	Popularity of the male name Dwayne Year of birth Rank 2007 660 2006 613 2005 640 2004 686 2003 609 2002 614 2001 587 2000 539 1999 550

Oh, and for good measure, I tried entering the names "Poop," "Ass" and "Douche." Zero, zero, zero.

But Kanye? That means "go take a shit" in Swahili, by the way -- my favorite fun fact in the history of facts.

Popularity of the male name Kanye

Year of birth	Rank
2005	893
2004	490

What is wrong with people? Ethan. (shaking my head)