"Excuse me, miss, but I see that side pony tail. You're not fooling anyone."

I just took my TABC online certification course for this party boat job I'm trying to start soon. It was probably designed by the same folks who brought you online defensive driving. These are three and a half hours that I will never get back, and I learned nothing from the experience.

I take that back. I did learn one thing: this course has not been updated since the Internet was invented.

One of the sections was about how you can spot underage patrons. It gives "tips" that you can use as a bartender to spot them out. I couldn't copy and paste, as it was all Flash player, so I took the time to write them all down so I could get it exactly right.


Clothes or accessories favored by young people:

• school jackets or sweatshirts

• class rings

• acid washed jeans

• "high top" tennis shoes with colorful laces or no lace at all

• non-matching earrings

• earrings worn on only one ear

• denim mini skirts

• oversize sweatshirts with blouses/shirts underneath

• excessive use of "junk" jewelry

• wearing multiple layers of clothing

Grooming styles favored by young people:

• extremely short haircuts on boys ("burrs" or "crew cuts")

• heavy use of eye makeup (especially eyeliner and mascara)

• large bows, barrettes and accessories worn in the hair

• extreme fads favore by some young people ("punk" look; garish hair colors, bizarre hair cuts)

It later goes on to talk about different behavioral clues exhibited by minors. My favorite is under the "Preoccupation with how the individual appears to other," where it describes typical minor-like activity:

"Minors tend to spend a great deal of time 'checking' their appearance, combing hair, applying makeup, etc."


I know it was updated as recently as September 1, 2000, because of some new law that was passed by the Texas legislature. It was clearly the same information they used to use in the VHS courses. Back in the days when denim mini skirts were still clues that you've got a minor on your hands.