Gotakeashit West

Also known as "Kanye West."

There is a chance -- a slight, slight chance, put at 15 percent by the girl who is going to either make it happen or fail me -- that I will be able to not only meet him today, but ask him a question that has been of burning curiosity for me for over a year.




The question is this: "Kanye, do you know the meaning of your name in Swahili?"

Kanye will inevitably answer, "Naw."

And then I will tell him the meaning.

The only reason it's really up in the air whether I'll be able to pull this off is because the odds of Mr. West getting really, really pissed are high to extremely high. I've read stories in the past about his temper, and it is legendary. And let's be honest, the powers that be for Fader Magazine probably don't feel like risking a relationship with such a big time act just so that a mid-level video producer named Hanly Banks can help her friend add the ultimate conversation starter to his arsenal.

Which is why Hanly put my chances at 15 percent this morning that I'd get to ask Kanye a question, on film, during a Fader Magazine interview.

Hanly works for Fader in New York; she does the video stuff for their website. And according to our conversation this morning, Hanly is most likely going to be interviewing Kanye West tonight, before he takes the stage at the Fader Fort, the coolest place I've seen at South by Southwest.

South by Southwest is an annual event in Austin, when the city spontaneously morphs into one, huge concert, with live music on every street corner. Live music on the sidewalk, live music in people's backyards; big shows, little shows, free shows and shows that you've got to buy a ridiculously expensive wristband for. There are thousands -- literally, thousands -- of opportunities during South By (or, for you texters out there, sxsw) to check out a new band, or a new film, or meet a new friend from a part of the country, or even world, that you've never been to. Next year, I'm taking sick leave for South by Southwest, which runs from Wednesday to Sunday. It is the epitome of Austin's dominance over every other American city on the coolness meter.

I'm poor, and so I take advantage of opportunities like the one Hanly presents me with: a backstage pass to the Fader Fort. I thought I was a badass when she first offered it to me, but then I realized that the backstage pass brought me absolutely not added benefits. Not only is it free for the proles to enter -- ("proles," as in, "those who think ahead and RSVP,") -- but they also get free Budweiser tall boys, since there isn't a wide supply of gin in our society.

Free music. Free Budweiser tall boys. For everyone.

I love Austin so much.

And I love Swahili so much, and I really like Kanye West.

But what I truly love -- what trumps any one city on earth, or any exotic language learned, or even the music of any one hip hop artist -- are conversation starters. Conversation starters, simply put, are really good stories. They turn an awkward interaction with a stranger into an immediate friendship. Oh, you listen to Kanye? Let me tell about the time I told him what his name really means in Swahili...

Which brings us back to the original discussion: will I get to ask him that question during Hanly's interview?

It all depends on whether Hanly is bigtime enough to set it up. If she is, here is what I will say, after Mr. West says "Naw, [I don't know the meaning of my name in Swahili]."

"It means, 'Go take a shit.'"

I shit you not.

"Kanye" an imperative of the verb "kunya," which means "to shit." If you chop off the ku-, replace it with ka-, and change the 'a' to an 'e,' voila, kanye. "Go take a shit."

There are only two possibilities for what might ensue:

1) The most likely option: Kanye gets really, really pissed, flies into a rage, and either kicks me off the bus, punches me in the face, or kicks me off the bus and punches me in the face. I am more than willing to be punched in the face by Kanye West if it means I will live out the rest of my days with this on tape.

2) The least likely option: Kanye, blown away by the fact that I would have the balls to tell him that his name -- the name his deceased mother gave to him -- actually means, "Go take a shit," starts laughing, tells someone that I am a "fool" and "crazy," and proceeds to tell me I'm "aight," and would I like to go on tour with him? Ya know, as sort of the comic relief white boy sidekick?

Either one is aight with me. Both would be incredible stories, excellent conversation starters, and wonderful memories. My greatest fear is that Hanly somehow pulls it off only to have Kanye react with disinterest -- saying something like, "Oh."

There is no way that will happen, though. There is no way.

The last time I hoped for a one in a million encounter with a famous person, it was when I was in Tanzania, about to go to an event where President Bush would be attending. I not only met him, but chatted with him for over a minute, got my face all over Tanzanian news, became a minor local celebrity as a result, got all over CNN International getting a shoulder slap from W, which was seen by my best friend in Serbia from her hospital bed in Belgrade, and even pulled a private tour of the White House as a result of befriending Bush's assistant.

I would have settled for a handshake. Which makes me wonder what could happen with this Kanye situation.

The point is this: you never know. Whether it's something that seems impossible actually coming to fruition, or if your random black guy name actually means something very, very unexpected in Swahili.

Tutaona baadaye. Itafanyakiwa, Mungu akipenda.