Even though the only people reading this are most likely already on "the list," by which I mean the dreaded "Read My Family's Columns Or Die" automated message system churned out by The Bob -- something that once you're on, there's no escape from -- I felt the need to direct everyone to my mother's most recent column.

Before you read it, be warned: She is disgusting. ("Primarily because I’ve learned to fake certain acts in the dark — like reading menus in restaurants with lighting so low it would freeze water. I usually just tell the waiter, “I’ll have that,” pointing to whatever"). Hey, Mom. You've got three kids. Therefore it is obvious you must have had sex at least three times (well, you were married once before, so four times). We don't need these vague references to coitus in a West University, family-oriented publication. If this was said on television, or the radio, Michael Powell would have been outraged.

"Long Tooth Birthday"

But despite that, this may be the funniest one I have read in a long time. Anthony Hopkins, post-stroke, hahhahahaah.... you'll see.